Hello and welcome back to Say Something Black Girl with Dr. J. I'm your girl, Dr. J. You guys, it's been a little while since I've actually recorded a podcast. I have to tell you, I've had some things happen in my personal life that was really traumatizing. We lost one of the major matriarchs in our family and it was really a hard loss for us. So I needed to take a few weeks to really recapture and regain my sense of self. I had to take a little mental health break myself, even from the things that I love, such as this podcast, but I'm back now and I thank God that we are able to continue to walk in his grace and mercy and to appreciate and celebrate my mother-in-law's life. I will always miss her and I will always love her. So let's get started with the next episode of Say Something Black Girl with Dr. J. And this podcast is really focused on peace or patterns, accepting your fate or reclaiming your life. I have many patients who may come in or friends who say, you know what, uh, Dr. J, I really want to talk about just being in relationships. Sometimes that can be really difficult. So I just want to welcome you back to this podcast. Let me tell you, today's conversation is a real one. It's honest, it's uncomfortable, and for many of us, maybe it's deeply personal. We're talking about something a lot of women think, but don't always say out loud, maybe this is just my life. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I should just accept it. And make the best of it. Now, let me say this clearly from the beginning. This is a judgment free space. I'm not here to judge anybody. I'm just here to try to part some knowledge, because sometimes staying is a decision rooted in reality, and sometimes leaving is not safe. Sometimes leaving is not simple and sometimes. You're just not ready to leave the relationship. But today we're going to gently and honestly explore one question. Are you truly at peace or have you learned how to survive in dysfunction? And for black women especially, this conversation hits a little differently. We've been taught how to endure. How to hold everything together, how to be strong, and even when we're breaking it is hard. But what happens when strength becomes survival and survival becomes your identity. Identity, yes, that's what I meant. Identity. Take a moment and ask yourself, am I at peace? Or am I just tired? Did I choose this life or did I adjust to it? I want you to think about those questions as we move a little deeper into this topic. I wanna like take a change of pace and really look at the difference between peace and not being perfect at all times. Let's try to identify the differences. True peace is not perfect. It doesn't mean life is easy, but it does mean alignment. It means your life matches your values. It means you feel emotionally safe. It means you exist fully without shrinking yourself. Peace feels like breathing without effort. Now, let's talk about settling. Settling into dysfunction often looks quiet on the outside, but chaotic on the inside. It sounds like it's not that bad. I've been through worse. At least I'm not alone. It is better to have a piece of a man than no man at all, but your body tells the truth. You might feel anxious, you might feel drained. You feel like you're constantly adjusting who you are, like a chameleon. Some warning signs of settling might be you feel relief when they're not around. You find yourself explaining their behavior to other people, always making them look good. Even when you don't, you stop expecting things to change. You feel emotionally numb or even disconnected. It. Now, let's go a little deeper. Why do we settle? Sometimes black girl, it's fear. Fear of starting over. Fear of being alone. Sometimes it is financial, sometimes it's cultural, and sometimes it's about the children. Well, it also can be trauma. When you've experienced inconsistent love, your brain can actually become attached to the unpredictability. Scientifically, your brain releases stress hormones like cortisol. While also craving dopamine from moments of affection that creates what we call a trauma bond, which means your attachment may not be love, it may be about conditioning. Take a breath right now. We'll be right back after this commercial break. To talk more about the fear of letting go. Welcome back to say Something Black Girl with Dr. J. Let's continue to talk about fear, because fear is often the reason we stay in places that no longer serve us. You might be thinking, what if I leave and regret it? What if I end up alone? What if things get worse? And here's the truth. The brain prefers familiar pain over unfamiliar freedom. Take a thought about that for a minute. Even if the familiar pain is hurting you. Think about that. So staying can feel safer even when it is not healthier. Now, let's be clear. Staying is a decision too, and if you choose to stay, the question becomes how are you staying? Why are you staying? Are you staying with awareness? With boundaries, with a sense of self, or are you staying from fear, losing pieces of yourself along the way? Let's talk about your self-esteem because what you believe about yourself determines what you will tolerate. If you believe you are worthy of respect, you move differently. If you believe you have to earn love, you may accept less than you deserve. And then there's the fear of what people will say, oh my God, you all know this is an issue for us. What will my family think? What will my friends say? But here's the reality. People will have opinions no matter what you do, but they are not living your life. We have to consider everything that's going on around us. And assess if we're experiencing more trauma, if we are taking care of our mental health, and are we taking care of our body? Let's talk about what this does to you internally. Unresolved trauma doesn't just stay in your past. It also shows up in your present. It can lower your expectations. It can normalize dysfunction, it can make chaos feel familiar, and your body keeps the score. How what? What do I mean by that? Chronic emotional stress can lead to anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and even physical health issues like high blood pressure. Emotionally, you may find yourself in one of these three places. Freedom when you feel aligned with your choice. Incarceration is when you feel stuck or denial when you convince yourself everything is okay. And let's talk about loneliness. I hear this a lot. Because you can be in a relationship and still feel completely alone is the worst. If you are struggling mentally or emotionally, support matters. That might include therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you challenge unhealthy thoughts. Dialectical, dialectical, I can never, even when I was studying in my doctorate in residency, I always would get that. Dialectical behavioral therapy can help you with emotional regulation. Trauma informed therapy helps you understand your pattern. And for some reason and for some medication can be helpful. Antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications can stabilize mood and reduce the distress. That is not weakness black girl. It is support at this time. We're gonna come right back from this commercial break. And we're going to dig a little deeper in our next segment and talk about your choice, your truth. Stay tuned. Welcome back to say Something Black girl with Dr. J. At the end of the day, everybody, it's your life. It's your choice, and every choice comes with something. If you choose peace, it may require letting go If you choose to stay. It requires awareness and healthy boundaries. But either way, you deserve honesty with yourself. Black girl. If you choose peace, start by telling yourself the truth. Define what you will and will not accept. Build healthy support around you. If you choose to stay, acknowledge reality. Stop minimizing your experience, protect your identity. Check in with yourself regularly and understand your choices may affect your relationships. Your children are watching. Your family will have opinions. But this is your life. Let me leave you with this. You are not weak for staying. You are not wrong for leaving, but you are responsible for your truth. Peace is not the absence of struggle. Peace is not the absence of struggle. It is the presence of alignment. I wanna thank you for being here today. I want you to take good care of yourself, and I look forward to seeing you next time. If you hang in there with your girl, Dr. J, I'm going to hang in there with you. Until next time, say something black girl with Dr. J.