Welcome back to Say Something Black Girl with Dr. J. I'm your girl Dr. J, and I am indeed excited to be doing another outstanding episode. Hear on Say Something, black Girl with Dr. J. You know, this is one of the most difficult. Topics I think we as black women can ever have, and I have entitled this episode when Mama is Gone Healing after the loss of your mother. I want you all to know that the reason why I did not have an episode last weekend. Was because I lost my mother-in-law, a true jewel, a true woman of strength and character. It was a big blow for my family, my husband, my sister-in-law, my aunt, my cousins family and friends. And I thought, what better than to honor her than to help others. I wanna welcome you today to this podcast and I am hopeful that the information that you learn will bless you, will help to heal you if you have experienced this loss, and to give you some information that may help you help others. Acknowledging that this episode is dedicated to black women grieving the loss of their mother. It actually is applicable to all women, but mothers often represent that sense of protection, emotional safety, cultural knowledge, spiritual guidance, and you got it unconditional love. I want this episode to really focus on the emotional impact of the loss, maybe depression and anxiety that can happen after the loss, the stages of grief, learning, effective coping skills, and maybe about treatment and healing. I want to affirm for you that your grief is real, your pain is valid, and that healing is possible. Let me tell you something. When I lost my mother in 2020, during COVID. It was one of the most difficult experiences I have ever experienced in my life, and even to this day. It is hard to sometimes accept and acknowledge that I'm not able to call my mother on the phone and hear her voice, but what I have learned over the years. Is I hear her voice, I hear her saying things that have helped me to develop into the woman I am today. I acknowledge her teachings and I acknowledge her love and how I give that to my own children. So let's talk a little bit more about why losing your mother is so deep. Mothers often serve many roles in black families. We as mothers, if you are one, we serve as caregivers. Maybe the family historian. Emotional protector, spiritual leader, and maybe we serve as a source of wisdom. Many black mothers raise daughters while navigating racism or microaggressions, financial stress, family trauma and cultural expectations. Losing a mother can create a loss of emotional safety, guidance, family traditions. You know how we might sit around the kitchen table fellowshipping while eating really good food, and then of course, allowing mom to display her unconditional love. For her children, for her family, for those around her. Many black women feel the pressure to stay strong and hide their pain, especially during this most painful experience. But I want you to know that grief is not a form of weakness. Grief is love. Even continuing after loss. We may grieve, but we still love. I want you to know that grief is something that affects us mentally, emotionally, and even physically. When I lost my mother, I had a difficult time just concentrating. I said things like, what's next? What do I do without her? Where do I go? How do I live? How do I survive? And it was a feeling of being in a fog, like walking and working, but not really in the here and now. It was like I was walking with a cloud around me and I don't know when, and I don't know how. That cloud lifted, and there are times when I still feel like I'm walking in a cloud. You know, it's about 13 million adults in the United States who become newly bereaved every year. 76% report intense sadness. After a major loss, 43% experience, symptoms of depression and 59% report extreme fatigue and many experience even appetite changes. Listen, many of us even may experience problems with our sleep. Problems in our relationships, problems with our children. Some of us even experience what we call prolonged grief, which can absolutely contribute to intense feelings of depression and anxiety. It is even difficult to explain at times if you think about it. We tend to, as women, experience more intense grief reactions more so than men. Many of us grieve for years. And we don't have a support system that can help us manage our grief. Common emotional reactions to it can include, like I said, intense sadness, unexpected crying and emotional numbness. Maybe we might have anxiety about the future. We might have identity confusion. Who am I without my mother? Maybe we might experience anger towards doctors, family members, the situation and maybe even God guilt, such as I should have called her more. I should have went and visited with her more. I should have checked on her more. May creep in our thoughts. We might experience physical symptoms such as fatigue or headache, sleep problems, or deprivation and appetite changes. We take a short commercial break, but upon our return we are going to talk about the stages of grief right here on Say Something, black Girl with Dr. J. It is important that we understand that there are various stages of grief that we are going to experience when we lose our matriarch, when we lose our mother. This is something that is really important because I believe that we as black women sometimes don't allow ourselves to grieve because we don't want to be perceived as weak, or we are not able to handle the situations that may occur as a result of us losing our mother. Stay tuned. After this break. What if you're not unmotivated? What if you're depressed? Depression isn't just sadness, it's emotional heaviness, exhaustion, loss of interest, and feeling disconnected from yourself or others. And pushing harder often makes it worse, not better. Healing depression isn't about quick fixes. It's about addressing brain chemistry, thought patterns, and emotional load sometimes with the support of medication alongside therapy. Therapeutic Alliance and Testing Center provides psychological testing and therapy supported by careful medication management when treating depression, advanced mental health therapy, counseling, psychological testing, and medication management services all under one roof. Welcome back from that commercial break and back to say something black girl with Dr. J. I'm your girl, Dr. J, and we're gonna talk about the stages of grief. First of all, grief is not linear, you all. It's not like you're in one stage, you go to the next stage and you can never return back to the previous stage. No, grief is not linear. Grief includes things like denial. There's this emotional numbness and difficulty accepting the loss. Then you might experience anger, anger towards doctors, family members, God, or life circumstances. Then you might experience something called bargaining thoughts about what could have been done differently. In this situation, then you might experience depression, which is like deep sadness or isolation and loss of motivation or desire. And then you may have the stage of acceptance, learning to live with the loss while continuing to live. Now, as I stated at the very beginning of these stages, that grief is not linear. You may be angry. One day you might be in denial. Another day you might be bargaining. On one day you might be depressed. Another day you might go back to denial. You might come to acceptance, and then something might trigger you and you might go right back to feeling depressed. People say, Dr. J, how long will I experience these symptoms of grief? Everyone is different. For some it may take a few weeks, some can take a few months, some can take many years. We have to understand that when we talk about such a significant loss, especially the loss of a mother, the pain can be truly intense. Why is that Dr. J? Well. When you think about it, that mother child bond forms early in life. Okay. Mothers witnessed childhood heartbreaks achievements, many major life accomplishments and transitions. Your mother was there. Your mother was there when maybe you got married. Your mother was there when maybe when you got divorced, your mother was there when you had your first child. Your mother was there maybe. When you lost a child, your mother was there when you got your first degree. Your mother was there when you walked across the stage with your third degree. Your mother was there when you bought your first home. Your mother was there to help you decorate that home. Your mother was there just to be there. Your mother was there. Who you argue with, disagreed with. But you knew she loved you no matter what. Your mother was there when you made mistakes in your life. Your mother was there to comfort you and nurture you, and even to scold you when you knew you were wrong, your mother was there. So a loss like this may feel like losing your anchor. Your emotional home or your biggest supporter, grief triggers things within you and it makes you think about the holidays or birthdays or mother's day weddings, and even becoming a mother yourself. The grief waves are normal. It's normal. I want you to know that it's important that although you are experiencing this intense grief that you intentionally. Give yourself some self care. Healthy coping strategies for you at this time may include journaling, praying, meditation, individual counseling or therapy. Joining a support group and talking with trusted friends. Taking care of your mental health during this time is critical and necessary. After this short commercial break, we will come back right here on Say Something Black Girl and talk about some healthy coping skills. What if you're not unmotivated? What if you're depressed? Depression isn't just sadness, it's emotional heaviness, exhaustion, loss of interest, and feeling disconnected from yourself or others. And pushing harder often makes it worse, not better. Healing depression isn't about quick fixes. It's about addressing brain chemistry, thought patterns, and emotional load sometimes with the support of medication alongside therapy. Therapeutic Alliance and Testing Center provides psychological testing and therapy supported by careful medication management when treating depression, advanced mental health therapy, counseling, psychological testing, and medication management services all under one roof. Welcome back to Say Something Black Girl with Dr. J. Listen, let's talk about those healthy coping skills. You know, we as women of color, particularly black women, we have to allow ourselves to feel emotions and cry when we need you. I know black girl, you don't have to tell me. That all your life you've been told you should not cry. But I'm telling you, this is one of those times when you need to allow yourself, give yourself permission to cry when you need to, and don't allow anyone to tell you that you should not cry. Talk about your mother and share her memories. Talk about how you all would shop, or how you all would talk, or how you all would argue and come back together. How you would laugh or crack jugs, how you would just be gossiping about something and chuckle to yourself about great memories that you created with her. Create rituals. That help you remember her such as maybe lighting candles for her birthday or mother's day or getting balloons and sending them up into the air. Just because maybe on Valentine's Day, just to remind you of the love you had for your mother. Do something special like buy flowers. And just have them there to remind you of her beauty and her scent. There's lots you can do to create a memory of your mother, maybe writing her a letter, putting it in a bottle, and just tossing it into a large body of water. Her establish boundaries with people who minimize your grief. Maybe they might not understand, maybe they never experienced such a loss practice. Self-compassion, that girl and that healing takes time. It's not something that will happen overnight. Don't rush your grieving, but don't live in grief either. You have to remember that grief can develop into depression if you have persistent sadness. Feelings of intense hopelessness or helplessness problems with your sleep. Maybe you're sleeping too much or you're not sleeping at all. A loss of interest in any of the activities that you once enjoyed, maybe thoughts of death or suicide yourself. And maybe even treatment options that you ignore because you don't have the energy to even allow yourself to be treated. I need you to know that when it becomes this serious, it's important that you make yourself a priority and you seek treatment options that are effective for you. Whether it's grief counseling, cognitive behavioral therapy, trauma therapy, maybe support groups, maybe it's even medication when appropriate to help you get through such a difficult time. Seeking help Black girl is a sign of strength, not weakness. I want you to think about your mom and all the great things that she taught you. Embrace the memories, not run from them. It's okay to spend a day just having fun, thinking about your mom. And it's okay to spend some time missing her. I want you to know that losing your mother can feel very overwhelming. Her love continues through the lesson she taught you. And the strength she instilled in you black girl, you are not alone in your grief. And although it may seem impossible, healing is possible. Many people will tell you that your mother would not want you to grieve yourself to death. Broken Heart Syndrome is real black girl. Your mother wants you to live. Get up. From that bed of depression, open your eyes, dry your tears. Sit up, go take a shower, brush your teeth, put on clothes. Put on a little lip gloss, brush, pick, curl, or braid your hair or put your wig on black girl. Put on your clothes. Put on your shoes. And stand outside and breathe. Feel the sun. Kiss your skin. And embrace the hug that your mother is giving you through the wind. It is time now black girl to breathe. For those of you who may be new in your grief, give yourself time. Go through the stages of grief. You will dance in between those stages for a while. You will cry many tears, black girl. I know you will survive. Surround yourself with people. Who you know truly love you only talk about it. If you want to take time to say no to other activities, if you need to focus on yourself, it's okay. Crying will help you heal. Let the sun kiss your skin every day. Breathe every day, write every day, meditate. Read your Bible or some kind of spiritual affirmation to help you through those very difficult times. Pray when needed. Whatever helps you to heal healthily is important. There are negative coping skills you can engage in. Put a stop sign to it, black girl. If you find yourself drinking alcohol too much to cope with the pain or the loss, if you find yourself smoking cannabis or cigarettes or anything else detrimental to your health and your wellness, stop black girl. Engage in the healthy things that you know will help you to live and not die. We need you. Your family needs you, your friends need you. Other little black girls who don't even know you need you. No doubt. This pain is significant. I made it through it. I made it through this show, and now I will allow myself to shed some tears for I know the pain that you are experiencing, but I know there's a man. From Galilee who sits high and looks low, who is there when you feel alone? You are never alone. He is near. Thank you for tuning in to say something Black Girl with Dr. J. I am your girl Dr. J. This may not have been a perfect episode, but it was from the heart. See you on the next episode of Say Something Black Girl with Dr. J.