Hello and welcome to Say Something Black Girl with Dr. J. I am Dr. J and I'm indeed excited to have this opportunity to share this time and space with you. As I said in my trailer, I want this to be very authentic. Very transparent, very honest. And with that, there may be times when it may seem like it might not be as clear, but I will do my very best to make every point clear and every episode have a beginning, a middle, and an end. So let's start with the disclaimer, because I am a provider. I must say that this podcast is not a form of treatment and intervention. This podcast is for psychoeducation as well as entertainment. I wanna say if you are feeling suicidal or homicidal, or you are thinking about engaging in self-injurious behaviors, I am going to encourage you to call 9 1 1. Or go to your nearest ER or find a provider in your area who can really help you manage the symptoms that you might be experiencing. With that being said, welcome to the first podcast of Say Something Black Girl with Dr. J. I said that I was gonna go head in. So first let me tell you guys. Come on friends. Come on, sis. This podcast thing has been so darn challenging. I wanted to set up a studio. I got all this studio equipment. I got a road caster, a big mic. I got big cameras, lights, and guess what? I couldn't figure it all out at all. I mean, as you can see, my lighting is off, but you know what I said. 2026 is a year of elevation. And so you'll see if you hang in there with me and I hang in there with you in time, it will get better. And I mean, with everything we do from the setup of this studio to all of the things you will set up in your own life. In 2026, let's go sis. We are about to get busy. Welcome to say something black girl with Dr. J. I am not starting this video over again. So if I mess up, hang with me sis. I'm really trying to go somewhere with this. So I did jot down a few notes. No, I am not reading a script from chat, GBT or whatever it's called, but I did write some notes down because I really want to be able to cover the topic in great detail. And I want you to be able to walk away with something that you have learned about yourself today. If you don't mind. I just really want to be myself. I don't wanna be anything other than what I said I was going to be in the trailer, and that's somebody who loves you because we share a shared experience. So let's go. The first topic that I'm going to talk about in this podcast is a hot topic. This is something that I hear a lot when I'm seeing impatience, when I'm talking with friends, when I'm speaking with colleagues, when I'm teaching at conferences, et cetera. This is something that comes up every single time, and it's about being in a toxic relationship. So I've entitled this podcast, Sleeping with Satan: How to identify and terminate a toxic relationship. Now, since you know, I'm not saying that you're sleeping with Satan for real, but what I am saying. Is that the decisions that you may have made to be in a relationship with someone because maybe of the exterior features and not really about the content or character of the man and who he really may be, have may have placed you in a position. Where you're extremely unhappy. I know I don't want it to come across like it's your fault, but I want you to take some accountability of your actions. Understanding why you're in this relationship in the first place might be associated with things that you may have experienced in your childhood. Childhood traumas that may have contributed to the dysfunctional relationships that you continuously find yourself in over and over again. Is it that you might be feeling lonely? Is it that you might be feeling insecure? Could it be that you have low self-esteem? Are you seeking for the perfect partner? Are you trying to prove that you have this piece of arm candy and that he or she is providing you with not only a look, but with financial stability? However, you're living in a big, pretty prison. What is it about this relationship that screams it's healthy when you know it's not? Are you tied to the material things and the money? Are you tied to what people will say if you're not with them? Are you complacent because you just don't like being alone? What is it sis? Is it that you don't like yourself or love yourself? Are you used to people talking to you in a derogatory negative way? Do you feel like it's healthy that someone is calling you out of your name? You know, all the derogatory things that you've heard your partner or the person in your life say other than the name that you were given by your parents. Do you always forgive them for that? Is it frequently happening and you find yourself feeling helpless? Hopeless. Fearful, terrified, numb. Yeah, but let's go sis. You know, we women of color, black women, we know how to hide it. We know how to hide when. We are in severe dysfunction. What happens with us? Well, we can be extremely depressed, but nobody would know it. We might be anxious, we might be isolating ourselves. We might be engaging in other self-destructive behaviors like drinking, smoking weed, or smoking other things. Popping pills for chronic pain, we might be irritable, agitated. we might be unbearable at times, or we might isolate ourselves and become extremely guarded. We might not allow people to get to know us or to even love us. When we deserve all the love there is out there for us to have. There are a lot of things that happens when we get into toxic relationships, and I wanna talk a little bit about a story first, so that hopefully you can either see parts of this as being a part of your story or. Maybe learning from this story so that when you see it, you know to run from it. We as women of color have been the backbone of our culture. Yes, I said it. We have been. It is because I believe we have been the ones who have birthed a nation. We are strong. We can endure a lot. We manage to multitask in situations where we shouldn't even multitask. We carry a lot on our backs. We birth our children, we take care of our husbands. We give to our families. We work tirelessly in our jobs, and then we don't give anything to ourselves. I know that's another topic we're going to cover in another podcast, which is the next one called Emotional Exhaustion. But when we get into these toxic relationships. We lose ourselves with trying to please someone else so much that we, there's nothing we can do to please them. We try to make them happy. We try to accommodate their every need, and yet we find that this person doesn't even care about. Our needs at all. So let's go. A lot of times I find women come and they say, Dr. J, you know, I've been married for such and such years, or I've been in a relationship for however many years, or months or even weeks. And I have found that over the course of time, this person, started off being. Really great. Like anything I could ever ask for, they were there. They talked about how beautiful I was. They loved my hair. They loved my skin, the way I looked, my personality, they loved the way I walked, the way I talked. They loved everything about me. It was all this love bombing going on. I couldn't do anything wrong. They loved the. Reflection of my voice. They loved the way my body was together and how I had that swag. They loved everything. There was nothing that I did wrong. They loved everything about me. They loved the way I cooked. They loved the way I kept my house or my apartment, or my place clean. They liked the way that I talked to them. They loved the way that I stroke their ego. They loved everything about me, the way I took care of my kids. They loved everything. My work ethic. My spiritual connection to God, my friendships, the way I took care of my family, my extended family, you know, my mom, my dad, my siblings, whatever I could do for them. They loved everything the way I would, you know, be out in the community helping others. Oh, you're the best. I love it. I've always wanted someone like you. You're so intelligent. You're so giving. You're so kind. You're so nurturing. I'm here for you. Whatever you need. They were there. They took you out on dates. They whined you. They dined you. They helped you financially. They caressed you, they nurtured you. They cared for your body. They were there for you intimately. They even prayed with you talked about their spiritual relationship, their walk with God. They were there in every kind of way. As time went on, you found that this person started to become more aloof, more curt in their responses. They wanted your time and your time alone. They didn't want you no longer hanging around your friends. They didn't want you spending that much time around your family. They didn't care for you taking any time for yourself. They didn't want you to spend as much time with your children. They question why you always had to work long hours. They started to criticize your food and what you cooked or prepared, they started to criticize your hair and your makeup and they started to body shame. And it would be very subtle, you know, like, Hey, are you going back to the gym today? why are you eating that? Like. Do, haven't you had enough sweets for the week? Why are you allowing your job to talk to you like that? Like are you stupid or something? oh. I think we need to spend more time together. Why is it that you have to study for your test? I mean, do you not know it already? Didn't you read the book? Weren't you in class? Did you not listen to the professor? Why are you working through the night? I mean, are they paying you for that? You need to be spending time with me. There was nothing you could do right after all the things that. Were once thought upon as being great in this situation. The person found themselves shrinking, becoming more invisible, not being as lively, not being as outgoing, but becoming more reserved. More quiet. Really the truth is not contemplating thought, but really starting to identify with the negative thoughts and connotation that what's being, being placed upon them. They started to question their looks. They started to question their decision making or their abilities. They started to question their confidence in their work environment. They started to question their ability to prepare meals or cook. They started to question their hairstyle and everything about themselves. And then they started to question their friendships, people who had been around them forever. Truth is they didn't want anybody to know how bad it was getting. They didn't want anybody to know that. The subtle words of, are you stupid or something? Or why are you acting like that? Stop whining. Why are you being a bitch? Wow. There's that word that we never want to use. You start to question, am I a bitch? What? You start to wonder, am I less than. Am I not this amazing person I felt I was before I met you. What happened to me? Why did I allow myself to shrink? Why am I now trying to become invisible? Why have I now layered all of the bricks and I'm now guarded? What if you're not unmotivated? What if you're depressed? Depression isn't just sadness, it's emotional heaviness, exhaustion, loss of interest, and feeling disconnected from yourself or others. And pushing harder often makes it worse, not better. Healing depression isn't about quick fixes. It's about addressing brain chemistry, thought patterns, and emotional load sometimes with the support of medication alongside therapy. Therapeutic Alliance and Testing Center provides psychological testing and therapy supported by careful medication management when treating depression, advanced mental health therapy, counseling, psychological testing, and medication management services all under one roof. Being guarded is what we do to try to prevent ourselves from feeling the pain. That level of defensiveness that we have to create is our body and our brain's way of formulating and utilizing our defense mechanisms to keep us from experiencing this trauma. Sometimes we try so hard to save other people that we don't even save ourselves. It's like we throw ourselves on the train track just to prevent some one else from experiencing pain. And guess what, sis? Sometimes we don't even see it coming. Sometimes when that locomotive train comes and we have ourselves on that track, we allow ourselves to get run over. No, it's not our fault, but sometimes we do need to just get up and leave. It's not that easy. So we're gonna keep talking through this thing here. So I wrote down a few questions for you. But before I do that, I want to get to a few points that I think are really important. I want you to think about what are the signs of being in a toxic relationship. And I wrote down a few points, and the first point is you are always apologizing. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Like, you know, my God, it's, it's just better to apologize than for us to go days and weeks, and months without talking. So you just take on the responsibility of trying to keep the peace, so you find yourself apologizing all the time, even when you don't feel like it's your fault. But you feel like this is the only way to keep him from crashing out. Okay? You feel confused after conversations. You ever been in a situation when you might be having a disagreement and he has flipped it and you are like, now wait one. One minute, like how? How are you gonna make this out to be me. When it's you, who is always being derogatory and demeaning and belittling? Now it's my fault. I shouldn't have said, would you like some coffee this morning? And you said. You know, I don't like my coffee black. I like my coffee with lots of cream, and all I said is, do you want some coffee? And it goes left. Then you start talking about things that happened two weeks ago and things that happened three years ago, and things that happened in a previous relationship. And you then confront me with all of your anger. Are you confused after a relationship? Do they punish you emotionally? You know the silent treatment? Don't say anything for 3, 4, 5, 6 days. You are trying to talk to them and they're ignoring you as if you're invisible or you don't exist, and you're pleading for their love. You're just pleading for their attention, pleading for their acceptance of you. My question is, do you accept yourself? Point number four, their love is conditional. They only love you if you're doing something for them. If you're going where they want you to go, wearing what they want you to wear, hanging out with only the people they allow you to hang out with. Separating yourself even from family or friends because they're controlling your every move. Point number five, you're shrinking to keep the peace. I said that a little earlier in the podcast. You used to be outgoing and lively and everybody's like, Hey, what's up? Sis, and you're like, what's up Chica? And now they see you and you're just a shell of yourself. Isolating yourself from family and friends. You used to call your sister and your family at least once a week. Now you don't call 'em at all. You used to hang out with your friends and now it's like, oh, no, I have to do this or that, or I'm too busy, but all along, you know that you just trying to keep the peace. You don't want any arguments, so you just stay in your toxic bubble. Your body knows before your mind does. That's the last point I was really PO getting to. And it's about the fact that your body tells you, because you start to experience maybe a lot of anxiety. You may have trouble sleeping or insomnia. You might feel nauseous. You might get headaches. You might start getting a whole lot of physiological problems like high blood pressure. You may start eating excessively for comfort or not eating at all. You may find yourself drinking alcohol more. Or smoking or popping some kind of pain killer to numb what you're experiencing. These are sure signs, you might possibly be in a toxic relationship. You may feel like you can't. Breathe literally. So now I think what we need to do is kind of understand now that you know that you might be in a toxic relationship, let's look at why you might be in that toxic relationship. Is it possible that you might be in that relationship due to. Childhood traumas. And what I mean by that is did you come from an abusive childhood? Was your mother or your father extremely abusive? And I don't mean just physically. Were they verbally abusive? Was your mom or your dad yelling and hollering all the time? Did they ever sit down with you and reassure you and give you that comfort and nurturance that you needed as a child? Were they at your school plays or your volleyball games or your basketball games or your football games, or your cheerleading practices? I mean, were they available now? Let's understand. We are not faulting our parents if they had to work to make a living. But did you feel their love in other ways? Did they try? Did they hug you? Did they tell you that they loved you? Did they tell you that you were beautiful? Did they support your dreams? And your aspirations, were they there for you when you really needed them in your first breakup with someone you loved or thought you did anyway? Right? Were they there when you got into your first fist fight? Were they there when you went to school and maybe you encountered a racist teacher? Were they supportive in building up your self-esteem or did they tear it down? Was their love in your home? I'm not saying perfection, I'm saying love was there. Love. In your home. Think about that for a second. And if you had all of those things and you were blessed enough to be raised with a mother and a father, did you see the love between them? Did they hug? Did they kiss? Did they talk? Did they share meals together? Did they go out on dates? Did they do things with you all or you as a family? Did they show you what real love, healthy love looks like in a marriage, even when there are disagreements? Did you see the caring? Did you see the protection? Did you see the spirituality between the two of them? Did you see them praying together? Did you see them fellowshiping together? Did they take you to church? Did they teach you about God or a higher power? What did you see in your home? Did your parents suffer with any type of addictions? Whether it was drug addiction, pornography addiction, sex addiction, et cetera, did you see that? Were you raised in a single parent home? Were your mom or your dad may have given you all the love you needed? They sacrificed for you. They gave you what they could. They poured out their very best in you, and yet for some reason you walked away empty feeling like you were missing out on something because your other parent wasn't there. Whichever parent was missing. Do you feel like now as an adult, you are seeking the love? Of a parent as opposed to a partner. Has anybody ever told you you are so dependent, needy, that it's suffocating and uncomfortable? These are some of the things that I think is important to understand about yourself and to work through so that you don't find yourself an easy prey for someone who thrives off of control and dominance and toxicity. Being able to identify things about yourself that might prevent you from being the best you. Yes, We all have some work to do, but women of color. Sisters, we have a way of masking our pain so well that we are the ones that end up hurting ourselves in the end. What do I mean by that? Sometimes we stop taking care of ourselves all together. We might look good when we leave our house. But when we come back, we find ourselves exceptionally depressed, extremely anxious, very irritable, agitated. We might immediately come home and get in the bed. Or we sit down and we watch mindless TV for hours and hours on end. Or we might eat everything fatty. We can find, like we don't even care about what we're doing to our body. We might not go to the doctors like we need to to get our physical checkups, our wellness exams, our mammograms. We may not take care of our kids the way we need to because we're so exhausted and we know we're going right back into a toxic environment. We can't even protect ourselves and let alone protect our children. Our children start to see us be belittled Treated inhumanely. And then we wonder why our children have a hard time with their friendships and relationships. We know that things can absolutely get worse and it can develop into. Physical abuse as well. Where it starts, where does it start? Where does it start? Well, Dr. J, it started with him initially just pushing me, calling me names, saying I'm unattractive. I'm ugly. Nobody wants to be with you. I don't care how many degrees you have. You're still dumb. I don't care what they say. They don't know you don't know anything. The words start to get harsher and then comes the physical pushing and shoving. And now here comes the blows, the kicks, the screams, the bruises that you hide so well. Toxic love does not improve you. This is not a test. To say you're strong and we can make it through. There's nothing about this bond of trauma and abuse that's healthy, but yet sometimes we feel like this is all I have. If I let it go. I have to start over and if I start over, I don't know what I'm gonna get. At least I know this devil, but do you, what if God has something better for you? But you won't allow him to bless you with it because you're caught in a prison and a web of lies. You see, we're good at protecting the very person who hurts us. What do we hold onto? A glimmer of hope that they will change. There's something that I teach my patients, and that is you can only control yourself. You cannot control other people. You can only control your own thoughts. You control the energy that you're going to give to anything You control the boundaries that you're going to put in place for yourself, but you cannot control someone else if you've given everything to this toxic relationship. What else do you have to give to yourself? One thing I know about us is that we know it's toxic. One thing I know about us is that we're loyal. That we are loyal, even to a fault sometimes. Let me be clear. I'm not saying you should leave your marriage. I want you to understand the difference between a difficult relationship and a toxic relationship. A difficult relationship is something that you can work through the challenges. There may be some challenges, some things that you might disagree on, but you're able to compromise and come up with a resolution. A toxic relationship is one where it is demanding, it is controlling, it is divisive, and it is painful. Two different types of relationships. Ask yourself if the relationship you are in right now is difficult or is it toxic? Two different things. You have to ask yourself. Are you scared to be alone? Do you not feel like you can take care of yourself? Do you feel like you would be totally lost if you didn't have this person? Are you fearful of what others might say? Are you growing together or are you growing apart? Are you losing yourself? In the process, who are you? Look in the mirror right now. If you are near a mirror, put out your phone. I'm sure it's right next to you. Look at yourself and ask yourself, do I know who I am in this relationship? Can people who know me. See the glow of who I am in my eyes, or is it gone? Do my eyes look hollow? Do I look confused and lost like I am trying to find where the camera is on this computer? I mean, have I lost my voice? Where did it go? Why did I give it away? Toxicity is something that you never want to swim in. It's dirty, it's nasty, it's smells, it's gross. A man that has to dominate you and control you in everything you do is the very thing he's trying to make you feel and that you may allow yourself to feel, and that's insecure. Low self-esteem doesn't care about his own life, so why would he care about yours? Having a strong support system for yourself is gonna help you navigate through some of these things that you may experience. I talked about a lot of different things. I gave you a story of what could happen. I talked about how you can identify, symptoms prior to dealing with what you might be dealing with. I gave you seven reasons to think about. If you're in a toxic relationship, I talked about the importance of you taking care of yourself. Now, I think it's important to say what's the resolution Dr. J. What's the resolution to all of this? You've talked for a good hour now, I guess, but what and how do I get out? Well, let me first say this. If indeed you are in a toxic relationship and it is physically or verbally abusive, you have to have a safety plan. You have to think about what is the safest way for me to terminate this relationship and not go back? You have to have good reasons. First maybe think about getting some therapy for yourself and really working through the issues, whether it is childhood trauma, whether it is the trauma bonding you did with this person that you with, because you started to believe whatever negativity they were dishing out. Now you identify yourself as this person that you didn't even identify with when you met this person or this individual. Get some counseling for your children if you have children in this relationship as well. Don't be afraid to build them up as you plan and exit strategy out of the toxicity. Start to secure financial means so that you can move or find other resources that can help you get to a place where you're safe, develop. Healthy relationships and reestablish relationships with your family and friends so that you don't feel alone and you aren't isolating yourself. Make a decision to take better care of yourself, whether that means maybe, going for walks or, running or pilates or, doing some lightweights. Moving your body. Learning new things. If you've ever wanted to learn Spanish or maybe learn how to crochet or learn how to sew, or, learning how to embroider or learning how to do a podcast, whatever it is that you said you wanna learn, learn it. Increase your knowledge, read, pick up a book, start reading it. Enhancing your vocabulary, your thought process, doing the hard work on building yourself back up. I don't even care if you have to get self-help books of interest. Do it so that you can understand more about how you might be feeling and things that you might need to do in order to improve. Taking care of your body nutritionally, eating healthy foods, feeding your brain and your body, and your systems things that you need. Fruits, vegetables, nuts, whole grains, lean meats. And getting away from the processed foods and things like that can cause you to gain weight or have higher blood pressure or too much salt, whatever the case might be. Getting away from those things and replacing them with healthier things that your brain could use to thrive to help you think clearly. Giving up some things that might not be as healthy, like maybe decreasing the number of glasses of wine you're drinking a day or a week, maybe stepping away from smoking and maybe taking, painkillers or indulging other things that are counterproductive to your mental and physical health. Engaging more with your spiritual relationship with God. Getting up every day and doing some meditation or reading the word or whatever it is, listening to spiritual music, something that is feeding your soul in a healthy manner. Because what I will tell you is if you are doing all this thing. Evil cannot reside with God. You will find that they don't want to be around you and it's okay. Maybe you will actually help them to be a better person. But maybe just not better for you. Last but not least, black girl, your worth is not for sale. Your worth is not for sale. You can have 17,000 degrees or you might not have no degree, because I don't think that makes you who you are. That's just a part of who you are. No matter if you are formally educated or not, your worth is not for sale. That means that you should not sell yourself to be in a toxic relationship because of material things that they may have. It's not worth it. It's not worth your mental health. It's not worth your spiritual health. I see it all the time. Well, I hope that this first episode was a blessing for you. Remember, it's my first episode. I'm gonna get better as time goes on. I need you to hang in there with me and I'm going to hang in there with you. But this black girl has something to say and I just want you to know that I am honored that if you have made it to the end of this podcast, I am indeed truly honored that you are still here with me. I need you to know that I need you black girl to say something to yourself positive today and every day. Thank you for joining me on my first episode on Say Something Black Girl with Dr. J. I look forward to spending a lot more time with you. Know your worth, sis. Know your worth.